Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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