last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
