it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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