took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
