Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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