who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
