I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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