hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
