New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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