So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
