I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
