Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
