I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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