last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
