If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
