The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
