when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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