I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
