Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
