Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
