There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
