Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
