the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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