I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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