a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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