I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Randomize
