these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
