i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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