IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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