this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
