At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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