Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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