Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
