dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
