I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I smell like Dick and happiness
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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