I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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