Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
The beer is more important than you right now.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
