Who wears a wallet chain?!
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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