shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
