and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
