Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
