I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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