you traded sex for a burrito?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
