I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
