So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
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