You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
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