im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize