Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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