just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
