New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Randomize
