hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
