He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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