I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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