Buhtt sex?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
pop tarts are not kleenex
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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