this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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